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Rascal Stallion’s Quadrilateral of Horror

What Makes a Horror Movie Awesome?

I'll tell you what makes it awesome. All you need are four things- scary, bloody, funny and boobs. That's it. That's really all you need. It should be so easy. Unfortunately the majority of movies manage to miss at least one of the marks. If you can find some way to include a combination of these four things then you, my friend, have made yourself a complete horror film.

Let's examine the four categories a little more closely:

Scary
The cornerstone of all horror movies is its scare factor. If a horror movie isn't scary then it's not really a horror movie, is it? It's more of an actiony thriller movie or something. Scares are typically wrought through one of the methods. Let's look at some Stephen King adaptations for examples. The first route to scary is artful direction resulting in suspense that keeps the viewer on edge. This can be found in Misery as James Caan is sneaking around and you just know Cathy Bates is going to catch him at any moment and make his ankle all floppy. The second is through plot circumstances that remind us that what we're seeing could happen to us and tear our world apart. An example of this is Cujo. It's not too far fetched to imagine being assaulted by a rabies-afflicted beast. The easiest route to scary is the jump out. If you're especially ignorant and can't think of an example of this just watch the ending of Carrie. The lesson here is that the methods aren't important so long as the end result if terror.

Bloody
To me, this is the least essential of the quadrilateral. I believe a horror movie requires at least a scene or two that makes me squirm or cringe but if I had to go without at least one of the four this would be the one I omit. That said, when people are discussing movies around the watercooler or at the cafeteria lunchtable these are usually the scenes they are talking about. These are usually the first scenes to come to mind when you are reminded of a horror movie. Think about it, what scenes do you immediately think of when I mention movies like Cannibal Holocaust or Alien?

Funny
The funny is absolutely necessary. If you have an hour and a half of straight tension you would have a stroke and die. Even if you could, why would you want to? There is an art to building up the suspense, breaking it and then building it up again, just a little bigger than before. The great ones do this seamlessly, subtly moving us through laughter and fear. An example of this can be found in Bruce Campbell's performances in the Evil Dead movies.

The comedy doesn't even have to be intentional to be effective. Some movies are so campy or the characters so stupid that they provide us with laughs even when they don't mean to. For instance, take a look at a movie like Troll 2. The plot, acting, and effects are so terrible that it is much more of a comedy film than horror.

Boobs
There's no way to discuss this section without coming across as a pig, so I'm just going to avoid the pretense and speak frankly here. A flash of boob here or there in a movie inherently makes it better. I'm not looking for porno levels of skin or even a gratuitous amount of nudity. Just give us a little. Throw us a bone, so to speak. The movie should, at least once or twice give us an answer when we wonder to ourselves, "What's she look like under there?"

This is where the new breed of horror movies got it all wrong. Scream came out and really revitalized the industry. We were so hungry for horror that we flocked to it. Unfortunately, when they skipped the nudity that had become a staple of horror in decades past and we supported it anyway, the message the studios got was that it was ok to leave the boob shots out. Scream's success encouraged many other films to follow suit, such as the I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legends movies. In those three franchises alone we were denied nudity of Heather Graham, Sarah Michelle Gellar (twice), Drew Berrymore, Rebecca Gayheart (twice), Tara Reid, and Jennifer Love Hewitt (twice.) Yep, good thing Rebecca Gayheart didn't show her boobs and cause her career to fizzle out.

As you can see, many movies blend various combinations of these elements; but it is the very rare movie that finds a way to successfully include them all. The most recent movie to nail the mark was Eli Roth's Cabin Fever. Here's how:

The plot focuses on a group of friends in the woods, (the isolation of the rural wooded area provides an extremely fertile setting for horror), as they are exposed to a horrific virus. The story is scary because it doesn't take a lot of imagination to envision a deadly virus sweeping across the country.

This virus is very destructive and leads to some ghastly wounds and decompositions. We're given all the gore we could want, (provided our name isn't Peter Jackson.)

James DeBello as Bert and Guiseppe Andrews as Deputy Winston provide ample laughs to ease the growing tension as the virus spreads.

Finally, we are given multiple views of the tasty body of Cerina Vincent. Sure, she's shaving the flesh off of her legs in one of them but we really can't be choosy. Somewhat disappointing is that Jordan Ladd refused to bare her goodies but then opted to do so in her very next movie. Oh well, c'est la vie. (I don't even know what that means but it seemed fitting.)

Now, don't be mistaken. There are many great horror movies that fail to meet one or more of the critical criteria. These films are especially disappointing because they could have reached pantheon level with just a little more work.

Of course, you could argue that the inclusion of whatever was missing would have detracted from the movie. Maybe you're right, but good luck convincing me that Sleepaway Camp wouldn't have been better with a little nudity, or The Shining wouldn't have benefited from more comedy.

Some movies have to use sequels to hit all four categories. This, of course, is not a successful fulfillment of the quadrilateral. A good example of this is the A Nightmare on Elm Street series. The first movie hits scary, bloody and funny like Hiroshima, but we aren't delivered a single nipple until later in the series.

Feel free to use my system to evaluate horror movies from now on or even develop your own system. Perhaps, if enough of us start using my system, we can really grow and form a grassroots coalition that will become large enough for the movie studios to take notice. They will begin to meet our demands for better horror and stop just releasing neutered remakes of the beloved classics.

Who will join me? Who will stand my side and declare that we will not go quietly into the night until our desire for fright and gore, balanced with a touch of comedy and completely unnecessary nudity has been satiated?

Science Fiction Items I Wish I Had

I was sitting here trying to think of what I might write about this week when my mind drifted off. I began to wonder how different my life might be if I owned various items from books and films. After daydreaming for half an hour about this I realized my topic was plainly evident. So now, without further ado, I present to you:

Science Fiction Items I Wish I Had (and the mischief I would commit with them)

Lightsaber– The first item that comes to mind when my thoughts turn this direction is also probably the least practical. Sure it would be immeasurably cool but what are its practical uses? It's not enough to just sit around the house and play with it, that's just asking for an amputated limb (or at least a bisected dog.) I suppose I could tour the country on the fair circuit and show it off between the Gravitron and the Worlds Fattest Man tent, but what kind of a life is that? No thanks.

Pee Wee's Bicycle– This is another entry into the category of stuff that would be a blast to have but wouldn't really make my life any different. I already have a bicycle and I don't ride it all that often. I can't imagine having a plastic lion's head on the front would increase the likelihood of my pulling it out of the garage. I suppose it would be fun to use its jets to make massive jumps, but knowing me, it would just lead to a massive wreck. And no doubt while I was convalescing, Francis would come and steal it.

The Predator's Cloaking Device– Now we're talking. If I had that thing I would surely lead a life of crime. I could sneak into all sorts of places and, over time, become as world renowned as the notorious LeMarque. If I had the stones for it I could network myself into the world's greatest assassin. But, who am I kidding? I wouldn't do anything all that ambitious. I would just rip off 7-11s for cash and spend the rest of my time chilling out in girls' locker rooms.

Wonka's Chocolate Factory– Now this would be sweet. Not only would I have a cash cow that would allow me to just sit back and watch the dough roll in but I'd also have my own legion of Oompa Loompa slave labor to carry out whatever devious plans I could concoct. The abundance of available candy would ensure an early death, but if you've got to die, you could do a lot worse than death by chocolate.

The Delorean from Back to the Future– I was originally going to write about having one of those flying skateboards from the film until 1 realized 1) I would kill myself very quickly. I can't even ride the kind with wheels. 2) Who wants a stupid flying board when you can have a time traveling car? (Not to mention how it's almost impossible to look uncool getting out of a car with those suicide doors. They are like the exact opposite of the motorcycle sidecar.) I know the whole trilogy is essentially about all the problems that arise form jacking with the past and future but I'm sure I could manage to avoid all that and still become the most powerful man in the history of the world.

Honorable mention cars: Batmobile, Mach 5 and KITT

The computer from Weird Science– You have to admit, it would be most excellent to have a computer that you can use to create people. Besides the obvious sexual uses that were explored in the film there are a myriad of other applications. I would create a gardener/custodian so I would never have to do any work around the house again. I would make a series of workers to flood the workforce and enjoy the fruits of their labor all the way to the bank. Plus, I bet you could use it to make all kinds of things besides people. I could start my own zoo of totally unique animals. I could even make a real Bigfoot and Nessie. There is no ceiling to the possibilities here.

Teleportation device from The Fly– With its massive size and weight, this isn't the easiest product to use. Throw in the inherent danger of a fly taking the trip with you and you've definitely got your hands full here. Of course, the convenience factor of a working teleportation device makes all the hassle manageable. The difficult choice would be determining where to place the receiver. Would I put it in my office to shave my commute time from its current 20 minutes down to a wispy 1 second? Perhaps I would choose to put the receiver on the beach or some exotic locale I would like to visit whenever whimsy struck me. Of course, placing it in an unsecured locale is an open invitation to disaster. Sure, easy, instant access to the Bahamas would be awesome but the fun is over the moment I make the trip back with a sand crab in the pod with me.

Death Star– Oh boy. Could it get any cooler than this? Methinks not. Sure it would be a logistical nightmare, not to mention the tiny issue of what to even do with it. Staffing would be especially tricky. Not everyone can be the laser operator. I would need someone to clean all the toilets. Plus, how would I pay salaries and ensure my employees remain loyal to me? I would need a competitive benefits package to keep my employees from trying to leave for work at a different space station after I go to the trouble of training them.

That said, none of those things matter. Not when we're talking about having your own Death Star. I would just live up in space and lord over the plebians of planet Earth. I would shape the entire political landscape of the world. I would pass doctrine and policy and if anyone dared fail to comply I would make millions of voices suddenly cry out in terror and suddenly silence them.

2006 Nerd City Summer Movie Preview Blowout Extravaganza

This summer, movie studios and multiplexes are teaming up to give you a tremendous opportunity. Millions of dollars and countless man-hours have been invested in making films in an effort to provide you with an avenue of entertainment as well as an opportunity to rid yourself of your pesky money.

Welcome to the 2006 Nerd City Summer Movie Preview Blowout Extravaganza.

Let’s explore, chronologically, a large portion of the films for which you can expect to be bombarded with ads over the next few months as they infiltrate a theater near you.

May

An American Haunting –Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek

A horror movie

Not a remake or sequel?

good enough for me

Mission Impossible 3 –Tom Cruise, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames

Never saw part 2

PSH>Cruise

Average mindless fun

Hoot –Luke Wilson, Nobody else I’ve ever heard of

Owls are creepy birds

Rather see hooters than hoot

Still a feel good film

Poseidon -Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell

A boat sinking film

Perfect Storm or Titanic?

Somewhere in between

Just My Luck –Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay is lucky

Wish that I could get lucky

with Lindsay Lohan

Down in the Valley –Edward Norton, Evan Rachel Wood

Love scenes between leads

Norton 18 years older

Sounds super creepy

The Da Vinci Code –Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou

Wish the Catholics would

boycott Tom Hanks’ gross hair cut

instead of this film

Over the Hedge –Bruce Willis and about a million other people

So tired of Dreamworks

Cartoon animals send me

right over the ledge

X-Men: The Last Stand –Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, several hot ladies

If I were mutant

I would make Halle Berry

stop making movies

June

The Break-Up –Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Anniston

What a cute couple

Typical chick flick garbage

No thank you. I’ll pass

Harsh Times –Christian Bale, Eva Longoria

This movie looks dark

I mean really, really dark

Bale is perfect fit

Cars –Owen Wilson, Paul Newman and a bunch of other folks

The only thing worse

than cartoon animals is

cartoon cars and trucks

A Prairie Home Companion –Lily Tomlin, Meryl Streep, and many, many others

An outstanding cast

It will either be boring

or it will be great

The Omen –Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles

This look good to you?

See original instead

and save your money

Nacho Libre –Jack Black

Jack Black in spandex

If that doesn’t sound funny

This is nacho film

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift –Lucas Black, Bow Wow

If people call you

a simple-minded dumbass

this film is for you

The Lake House –Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves

Time travel love tale

Wish I could go back in time

and unmake this film

Click –Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken

If you like Sandler

you will enjoy this movie

otherwise don’t go

Garfield’s A Tale of Two Kitties –Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chest

Can a sequel based

on an unfunny comic

hope to make me laugh?

Superman Returns –Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth

Who is this Routh kid?

With Spacey as Lex Luthor

the film should be good

The Devil Wears Prada –Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway

The real question is

Will Hathaway show her boobs

three films in a row?

Holy cow! I’m just now to the end of June and I’m way out of space. Looks like the rest of the summer preview is going to have to wait until a later issue. I know you were just dying to read a Haiku about Miami Vice, too.